However change in a natural progression, and I am out of hope that the divershion of growth from different levels between each other is tathered, it can not occur on the same level as if I was physically there and focused. My focus has to shift to my kids and getting home, that is my main attraction that needs to be painted in a mural the size of the great wall of china in my head. I feel a little selfish, and its astonishing to see clariety in the fact that I am growing, and I am becoming the leader I was supost to be, and meant to be. As always I hope.
In conjunction with its hard to find your way through the darkness, its hard to know what to believe, but if you live by your heart, you will find….hot water music
Monday, December 29, 2008
the c ake doesn't taste like vanilla more like a bucket full of chocolate shit
the thoughts of yesterday, seem closer than any plans I can develop. I have been living in such a different frame of mind these last few days, literally the days have been made of no routine and no purpose-so what does one do, lose themselves in a book, sleep, a game, or hanging out bullshitting?
12.20.08
12.20.08
Memory. Could you imagine just one day-waking up and not being able to remember anything about your life, not even your name? I couldn’t. However it is almost like a fresh start at life. However, on a larger scale, it would entail a vast baron within your soul and mind. To look at yourself and know nothing about what you enjoy and hate, self-esteem, who you loved and now love, and to live without memories.
I have been so grateful for having lived a really good life over the last few years, experiencing different people, scenery, and visiting places. This has given me a filing cabinet of experience, joy, anger, and sorrow. Lately, the filing cabinet has been racing with thoughts of high school. I am not sure if it is my mind escaping from all the boredom or wanting that time in my life back.
Really what I remember from that time is feeling distant and tired, as though I had no connection with the surrounding around me. I think as I have grown up, that it is still the same, I just do not care to pay attention to it, what is the point? It isn’t doing me any good, and really-I am working being able to get up every day and just feel good to be alive, with my backpack full of memories to keep me alive through my adventure overseas.
Memory. Could you imagine just one day-waking up and not being able to remember anything about your life, not even your name? I couldn’t. However it is almost like a fresh start at life. However, on a larger scale, it would entail a vast baron within your soul and mind. To look at yourself and know nothing about what you enjoy and hate, self-esteem, who you loved and now love, and to live without memories.
I have been so grateful for having lived a really good life over the last few years, experiencing different people, scenery, and visiting places. This has given me a filing cabinet of experience, joy, anger, and sorrow. Lately, the filing cabinet has been racing with thoughts of high school. I am not sure if it is my mind escaping from all the boredom or wanting that time in my life back.
Really what I remember from that time is feeling distant and tired, as though I had no connection with the surrounding around me. I think as I have grown up, that it is still the same, I just do not care to pay attention to it, what is the point? It isn’t doing me any good, and really-I am working being able to get up every day and just feel good to be alive, with my backpack full of memories to keep me alive through my adventure overseas.
12.17.08
I am going to write it down, as much of it as I can, so I don’t forget any of it.
...for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact" this history of darkness."
"i like to think the world wasn’t ready for me, but maybe the truth is that i wasn't ready for the world. i've always arrived too late for my life" history of love
"her kiss was the question he wanted to spend his whole life answering." history of love
"...in the most important moment of his life he had chosen the wrong sentence.." history of love
"he ran his fingers down her spine- over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences." history of love
AGE OF GLASS where the body is fragile, we our introduced to changes within our bodies transforming from a child into an adult, and even though this is uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, we grow up and change just a millimeter a day. Although it feels the changes happen in just a matter of hours. i remember being a child, and out of no where i woke up and was five inches taller, and 20 pounds lighter. I was no longer physically awkward, but strangely immature to the world that was new, and all around me. My relationships became more than just going to a friends house to play with babies, but of those that impacted a sense of being made of glass, my new body was sturdy but my heart was fragile and fostered.
I think a lot of the past, and what a mess of it I was. The last few days have made me feel like I was fifteen years old, from walking to different stores, reading books, and listening to music. While i listen to music i stare off into the space between my eyes and the tin ceiling. This allows me to devour aspects of the song and songs. I am able to describe details to patterns of walking, thinking, and being. It really is amazing. When I was actually 15, my friends and I couldn't drive, so we would get dropped off at the mall of upper peach street. From here we would go to a movie, salvation army, and media play. Then devour some form of food, those we some really good times. The wildest part of it-is that i haven’t recalled memories like these, till know, and why now? Am i that homesick, that anything will keep me close to it and the people I love? I sure hope so.
...for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact" this history of darkness."
"i like to think the world wasn’t ready for me, but maybe the truth is that i wasn't ready for the world. i've always arrived too late for my life" history of love
"her kiss was the question he wanted to spend his whole life answering." history of love
"...in the most important moment of his life he had chosen the wrong sentence.." history of love
"he ran his fingers down her spine- over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences." history of love
AGE OF GLASS where the body is fragile, we our introduced to changes within our bodies transforming from a child into an adult, and even though this is uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, we grow up and change just a millimeter a day. Although it feels the changes happen in just a matter of hours. i remember being a child, and out of no where i woke up and was five inches taller, and 20 pounds lighter. I was no longer physically awkward, but strangely immature to the world that was new, and all around me. My relationships became more than just going to a friends house to play with babies, but of those that impacted a sense of being made of glass, my new body was sturdy but my heart was fragile and fostered.
I think a lot of the past, and what a mess of it I was. The last few days have made me feel like I was fifteen years old, from walking to different stores, reading books, and listening to music. While i listen to music i stare off into the space between my eyes and the tin ceiling. This allows me to devour aspects of the song and songs. I am able to describe details to patterns of walking, thinking, and being. It really is amazing. When I was actually 15, my friends and I couldn't drive, so we would get dropped off at the mall of upper peach street. From here we would go to a movie, salvation army, and media play. Then devour some form of food, those we some really good times. The wildest part of it-is that i haven’t recalled memories like these, till know, and why now? Am i that homesick, that anything will keep me close to it and the people I love? I sure hope so.
11.30.08
11.30.08
do you remember the last time brightness counteracted around you? or when the brightness held you in and out of still moments?
I used to think that I would never see things positive, that only a darkness would control my movements and thoughts. This was a bit naive, and well these thoughts began when i first experienced a sadness, a sadness that stuck to me, for many years. Specifically, life taken one after another, multiple failures, and always an attraction of low self-esteem. So here I am, a new adventure an aspect, and weakness, that I quickly need to learn to overcome. I am not sure I have overcome my downfalls, but I sure have tried to make up for them. And what i mean in this, once I learn something, a hard lesson from something as simple as asking the right question or shit just making a quick simple decision, I know how to react to another situation.
I am sick of saying, "I don't know", not being completely informed or being able to get simple things done.
This is useless ramble.
Tonight, for the first time, we began to fight, doing the right thing, and in this game, you are always wrong, you can never win.
do you remember the last time brightness counteracted around you? or when the brightness held you in and out of still moments?
I used to think that I would never see things positive, that only a darkness would control my movements and thoughts. This was a bit naive, and well these thoughts began when i first experienced a sadness, a sadness that stuck to me, for many years. Specifically, life taken one after another, multiple failures, and always an attraction of low self-esteem. So here I am, a new adventure an aspect, and weakness, that I quickly need to learn to overcome. I am not sure I have overcome my downfalls, but I sure have tried to make up for them. And what i mean in this, once I learn something, a hard lesson from something as simple as asking the right question or shit just making a quick simple decision, I know how to react to another situation.
I am sick of saying, "I don't know", not being completely informed or being able to get simple things done.
This is useless ramble.
Tonight, for the first time, we began to fight, doing the right thing, and in this game, you are always wrong, you can never win.
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