However change in a natural progression, and I am out of hope that the divershion of growth from different levels between each other is tathered, it can not occur on the same level as if I was physically there and focused. My focus has to shift to my kids and getting home, that is my main attraction that needs to be painted in a mural the size of the great wall of china in my head. I feel a little selfish, and its astonishing to see clariety in the fact that I am growing, and I am becoming the leader I was supost to be, and meant to be. As always I hope.
In conjunction with its hard to find your way through the darkness, its hard to know what to believe, but if you live by your heart, you will find….hot water music
Monday, December 29, 2008
the c ake doesn't taste like vanilla more like a bucket full of chocolate shit
the thoughts of yesterday, seem closer than any plans I can develop. I have been living in such a different frame of mind these last few days, literally the days have been made of no routine and no purpose-so what does one do, lose themselves in a book, sleep, a game, or hanging out bullshitting?
12.20.08
12.20.08
Memory. Could you imagine just one day-waking up and not being able to remember anything about your life, not even your name? I couldn’t. However it is almost like a fresh start at life. However, on a larger scale, it would entail a vast baron within your soul and mind. To look at yourself and know nothing about what you enjoy and hate, self-esteem, who you loved and now love, and to live without memories.
I have been so grateful for having lived a really good life over the last few years, experiencing different people, scenery, and visiting places. This has given me a filing cabinet of experience, joy, anger, and sorrow. Lately, the filing cabinet has been racing with thoughts of high school. I am not sure if it is my mind escaping from all the boredom or wanting that time in my life back.
Really what I remember from that time is feeling distant and tired, as though I had no connection with the surrounding around me. I think as I have grown up, that it is still the same, I just do not care to pay attention to it, what is the point? It isn’t doing me any good, and really-I am working being able to get up every day and just feel good to be alive, with my backpack full of memories to keep me alive through my adventure overseas.
Memory. Could you imagine just one day-waking up and not being able to remember anything about your life, not even your name? I couldn’t. However it is almost like a fresh start at life. However, on a larger scale, it would entail a vast baron within your soul and mind. To look at yourself and know nothing about what you enjoy and hate, self-esteem, who you loved and now love, and to live without memories.
I have been so grateful for having lived a really good life over the last few years, experiencing different people, scenery, and visiting places. This has given me a filing cabinet of experience, joy, anger, and sorrow. Lately, the filing cabinet has been racing with thoughts of high school. I am not sure if it is my mind escaping from all the boredom or wanting that time in my life back.
Really what I remember from that time is feeling distant and tired, as though I had no connection with the surrounding around me. I think as I have grown up, that it is still the same, I just do not care to pay attention to it, what is the point? It isn’t doing me any good, and really-I am working being able to get up every day and just feel good to be alive, with my backpack full of memories to keep me alive through my adventure overseas.
12.17.08
I am going to write it down, as much of it as I can, so I don’t forget any of it.
...for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact" this history of darkness."
"i like to think the world wasn’t ready for me, but maybe the truth is that i wasn't ready for the world. i've always arrived too late for my life" history of love
"her kiss was the question he wanted to spend his whole life answering." history of love
"...in the most important moment of his life he had chosen the wrong sentence.." history of love
"he ran his fingers down her spine- over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences." history of love
AGE OF GLASS where the body is fragile, we our introduced to changes within our bodies transforming from a child into an adult, and even though this is uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, we grow up and change just a millimeter a day. Although it feels the changes happen in just a matter of hours. i remember being a child, and out of no where i woke up and was five inches taller, and 20 pounds lighter. I was no longer physically awkward, but strangely immature to the world that was new, and all around me. My relationships became more than just going to a friends house to play with babies, but of those that impacted a sense of being made of glass, my new body was sturdy but my heart was fragile and fostered.
I think a lot of the past, and what a mess of it I was. The last few days have made me feel like I was fifteen years old, from walking to different stores, reading books, and listening to music. While i listen to music i stare off into the space between my eyes and the tin ceiling. This allows me to devour aspects of the song and songs. I am able to describe details to patterns of walking, thinking, and being. It really is amazing. When I was actually 15, my friends and I couldn't drive, so we would get dropped off at the mall of upper peach street. From here we would go to a movie, salvation army, and media play. Then devour some form of food, those we some really good times. The wildest part of it-is that i haven’t recalled memories like these, till know, and why now? Am i that homesick, that anything will keep me close to it and the people I love? I sure hope so.
...for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact" this history of darkness."
"i like to think the world wasn’t ready for me, but maybe the truth is that i wasn't ready for the world. i've always arrived too late for my life" history of love
"her kiss was the question he wanted to spend his whole life answering." history of love
"...in the most important moment of his life he had chosen the wrong sentence.." history of love
"he ran his fingers down her spine- over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences." history of love
AGE OF GLASS where the body is fragile, we our introduced to changes within our bodies transforming from a child into an adult, and even though this is uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, we grow up and change just a millimeter a day. Although it feels the changes happen in just a matter of hours. i remember being a child, and out of no where i woke up and was five inches taller, and 20 pounds lighter. I was no longer physically awkward, but strangely immature to the world that was new, and all around me. My relationships became more than just going to a friends house to play with babies, but of those that impacted a sense of being made of glass, my new body was sturdy but my heart was fragile and fostered.
I think a lot of the past, and what a mess of it I was. The last few days have made me feel like I was fifteen years old, from walking to different stores, reading books, and listening to music. While i listen to music i stare off into the space between my eyes and the tin ceiling. This allows me to devour aspects of the song and songs. I am able to describe details to patterns of walking, thinking, and being. It really is amazing. When I was actually 15, my friends and I couldn't drive, so we would get dropped off at the mall of upper peach street. From here we would go to a movie, salvation army, and media play. Then devour some form of food, those we some really good times. The wildest part of it-is that i haven’t recalled memories like these, till know, and why now? Am i that homesick, that anything will keep me close to it and the people I love? I sure hope so.
11.30.08
11.30.08
do you remember the last time brightness counteracted around you? or when the brightness held you in and out of still moments?
I used to think that I would never see things positive, that only a darkness would control my movements and thoughts. This was a bit naive, and well these thoughts began when i first experienced a sadness, a sadness that stuck to me, for many years. Specifically, life taken one after another, multiple failures, and always an attraction of low self-esteem. So here I am, a new adventure an aspect, and weakness, that I quickly need to learn to overcome. I am not sure I have overcome my downfalls, but I sure have tried to make up for them. And what i mean in this, once I learn something, a hard lesson from something as simple as asking the right question or shit just making a quick simple decision, I know how to react to another situation.
I am sick of saying, "I don't know", not being completely informed or being able to get simple things done.
This is useless ramble.
Tonight, for the first time, we began to fight, doing the right thing, and in this game, you are always wrong, you can never win.
do you remember the last time brightness counteracted around you? or when the brightness held you in and out of still moments?
I used to think that I would never see things positive, that only a darkness would control my movements and thoughts. This was a bit naive, and well these thoughts began when i first experienced a sadness, a sadness that stuck to me, for many years. Specifically, life taken one after another, multiple failures, and always an attraction of low self-esteem. So here I am, a new adventure an aspect, and weakness, that I quickly need to learn to overcome. I am not sure I have overcome my downfalls, but I sure have tried to make up for them. And what i mean in this, once I learn something, a hard lesson from something as simple as asking the right question or shit just making a quick simple decision, I know how to react to another situation.
I am sick of saying, "I don't know", not being completely informed or being able to get simple things done.
This is useless ramble.
Tonight, for the first time, we began to fight, doing the right thing, and in this game, you are always wrong, you can never win.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
friendship
It is very strange, how much stronger a friendship can grow, while you are away though email, letters, and text messages.
I think my friendship with my friend Paige, is becoming very strong. I am so happy her and I are friends, I am very blessed. About a year ago I joined Flickr, and I got back into photography. Well then in Feburary or march last year I attended one of their events, and it was probably the best thing I ever did. I meet so many wonderful people, and began to built some incredible friendships. Now on this deployment, they are supporting me by sending me mail, email, text messages, and phone calls. I can't wait till christmas time, to see everyone.
Even in the Military I think I am growing as a person, and I am building some strong friendships. It is awesome. Also, I think I am finally happy, finding my way.
"let us leave bread crumbs behind us, so we can find our way back home." this year I am finding my way.
I think my friendship with my friend Paige, is becoming very strong. I am so happy her and I are friends, I am very blessed. About a year ago I joined Flickr, and I got back into photography. Well then in Feburary or march last year I attended one of their events, and it was probably the best thing I ever did. I meet so many wonderful people, and began to built some incredible friendships. Now on this deployment, they are supporting me by sending me mail, email, text messages, and phone calls. I can't wait till christmas time, to see everyone.
Even in the Military I think I am growing as a person, and I am building some strong friendships. It is awesome. Also, I think I am finally happy, finding my way.
"let us leave bread crumbs behind us, so we can find our way back home." this year I am finding my way.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
things have been moving forward, one step at a time.
i think i have encountered lots of emotions, almost as if a wagon wheel rolled right through my spirit, or my brain. For now, i am smiling and well life hasn't hit the suck factor. I am pretty easy going when I am away from home, a little less to be so complicated or involved in. I do believe this is because you can only react on what is read or told to you. you are unable to have a finger or a physical say or stop in it. wierd.
i think i have encountered lots of emotions, almost as if a wagon wheel rolled right through my spirit, or my brain. For now, i am smiling and well life hasn't hit the suck factor. I am pretty easy going when I am away from home, a little less to be so complicated or involved in. I do believe this is because you can only react on what is read or told to you. you are unable to have a finger or a physical say or stop in it. wierd.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Narrows By Jim Carroll
this man's poetry fascinates me, I almost want to crawl into his genesis rems of thought to experience a moment of how the clarity he shows in this particular poem, generates a connection to situations in my own life.
The Narrows by Jim Carroll
That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.
you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.
I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.
I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.
The Narrows by Jim Carroll
That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.
you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.
I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.
I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.
Pockets
Last night the BN had officers call, one of the comments was about being in the right uniform and wearing it correctly. One of the rules in the Army, is that your hands can't be in your pockets. The waist pockets, are for? Of Course putting your hands in, its comfortable and casual, but lets remember the Army doesn't care about you being comfortable or casual, They want you to be tough, to be hardcore, so that nothing effects you. Nothing.
So what do you put in your pockets?
I usually don't put anything in my waist pockets, because i don't like the buldge in my front pockts, its just uncomfortable, but I love to put my hands in my pockets, and shit here I am stuck for a year, not being able to put my hands in my pockets.
I do think the invention of cargo pockets, are freaking sweet. I can really carry my life in these, wallet, phone, camera, keys, and of course mr. graves.
In the army, i always have cargo pockets, so this is an amazing thing, that well it may make up for me not being able to have my hands in my front waist pockets. The more I think about it, it really can't not replace it, not at all. In the army cargo pockets i carry my moleskin tablet, a knife, and sometimes my camera. There are all kinds of fun pockets on the jacket for my phone, wallet, and camera.
Pockets, Pockets, Pockets, one of those beloved creations, that we would be lost if we didn't have a place other than our neck to hold our stuff.
So what do you put in your pockets?
I usually don't put anything in my waist pockets, because i don't like the buldge in my front pockts, its just uncomfortable, but I love to put my hands in my pockets, and shit here I am stuck for a year, not being able to put my hands in my pockets.
I do think the invention of cargo pockets, are freaking sweet. I can really carry my life in these, wallet, phone, camera, keys, and of course mr. graves.
In the army, i always have cargo pockets, so this is an amazing thing, that well it may make up for me not being able to have my hands in my front waist pockets. The more I think about it, it really can't not replace it, not at all. In the army cargo pockets i carry my moleskin tablet, a knife, and sometimes my camera. There are all kinds of fun pockets on the jacket for my phone, wallet, and camera.
Pockets, Pockets, Pockets, one of those beloved creations, that we would be lost if we didn't have a place other than our neck to hold our stuff.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Its hard to stay ahead
So here is my ahh 4th blog, and I am sure I will do a great job of not keeping up with it or just-plain out forgetting about it.
I am current on mobilization orders for deployment to Iraq, a lot of shuffling around and I am not going into the plain, information changes all the time.
There is a lot of down time, but not the kind of down time you want to be chatting with friends, or talking on your cell phone, the waiting to get on the fire line, for patients to come in, so you are stuck reading a book, sleeping, or bsing with soldiers around you.
I have taken up a few endeavers to make it through the deployment. Posting a picture or at least taking one everyday of my new friend mr. graves that was given to me by my friend Todd. I am sure todd misses him, and i am going to do my best to take really good care of him.
my second project is to find an awesome quote and write it in my black book, and post it to the blog, as often as i can, but i am not so good at keeping up with all this stuff.
so today quotes is
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stewart Mill--
I am current on mobilization orders for deployment to Iraq, a lot of shuffling around and I am not going into the plain, information changes all the time.
There is a lot of down time, but not the kind of down time you want to be chatting with friends, or talking on your cell phone, the waiting to get on the fire line, for patients to come in, so you are stuck reading a book, sleeping, or bsing with soldiers around you.
I have taken up a few endeavers to make it through the deployment. Posting a picture or at least taking one everyday of my new friend mr. graves that was given to me by my friend Todd. I am sure todd misses him, and i am going to do my best to take really good care of him.
my second project is to find an awesome quote and write it in my black book, and post it to the blog, as often as i can, but i am not so good at keeping up with all this stuff.
so today quotes is
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stewart Mill--
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